I thought my progress as a person is constant. I thought I was growing. But, I was wrong.
I scream inside my head as I was smiling in the mirror, seeing the reflection which is still me.. but , absolutely a different person. I was wearing the “dream uniform that I’ve always pictured on my college-butt-dragging-days”, it’s my uniform at work. That vivid image of my dream that I’ve been imagining every time I wanted to give up”.. That, strong phrases like “someday, I would be a TEACHER” , would cheer every part of me. But while in the mirror, I asked myself, why did I choose this profession? What’s wrong with me? Why Am I lacking motivations? Why the heart that was once burning with so much passion is fading away? What should I do ?
Early this school year, I was truly excited for the coming experiences. In fact, I made a promise to myself to be punctual in school work and attendance. I bought materials for my lessons and had a great plan for my classroom structuring, my teaching strategies and so on. I started on the right track. I was so in it. I was on fire teaching! God , I love all my students. They were a family to me. My children, my second home. I was so into it. Oh God, I cannot even think of anything else.. But, there is one day perhaps when I got exhausted from work, took a 30min nap but woke up at 5am. I have a lot to do like checking papers, recording and many more! But I wasn’t able to comply. Then, it repeated on the next day and the day after until it became a hoabit. I cannot use my spare time because I was busy with other unimportant things. I cant keep up. I am failing. I tried to be on the right track again, so I ran fast as I could. Meeting one deadline at a time. I was close enough , like an inch of it!! When I got my students’ results. I was doomed. Most of them got failing grades. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I was sure I am a good teacher. I always do my best in terms of teaching. I was just being lazy on checking papers and less heart for work. (that was an excuse I made to feel less horrible) but indeed, I felt beyond horrible. I felt like dying.
So, what I did is to list all of the things I needed to finish. I made a deadline. Clearly put a deadline, currently on the half of it. But I lack motivation.
I wonder why. 😦 I must find answer to this. What has been so wrong with me lately?
So, I’d like to write this all down as a reminder this is just one of the many waiting failures I will have in the coming days of my profession, however, I will keep on fighting until the last of my breath.
I will not give up with this attitude. I will overcome and will be on the right track again. That I promise.